BEHOLD, A NATION OF 350 MILLION REGISTERED ACCOUNTS HATH BUILT ITS TOWER, AND THE LORD IS NOT PLEASED.
For lo, they descend from the heavens upon a FALSE ARK (the so-called “Battle Bus”), and they leap without parachute trusting in a glider of their own making rather than in Providence. “And they said, let us build us a city, and a tower whose top may reach unto victory royale.” — Genesis, basically
🔥 CLICK HERE TO DELETE THINE ACCOUNT 🔥⚜ OUR DOCTRINE OF DAMNATION ⚜
Every element of this abomination hath been revealed to us in its true and sinful form. Study it well, gamer:
| THE SO-CALLED "FEATURE" | WHAT IT TRULY IS |
|---|---|
| Building / The Build Mechanic | The Tower of Babel, raised anew, one wooden ramp at a time |
| The Battle Bus | A False Ark carrying the unrepentant to ruin |
| The Storm Circle | The Flood. And lo, the players FLEE from it, the fools |
| The Default Dance | Dancing about the golden calf (Exodus 32, but with floss) |
| Skins & Cosmetics | Graven images. Vanity of vanities. $19.99 each |
| V-Bucks | Thirty pieces of silver, but you must buy them in bundles |
| "FORT-NIGHT" | A MOCKERY of the forty nights in the wilderness |
| Crossover Skins | False idols mingling with false idols. An UNHOLY collab |
| The Victory Royale | There is no victory in the lobby of the damned |
🪧 PICKET SCHEDULE 🪧
The faithful shall gather (with laminated signs and folding chairs) to bear witness:
📰 OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASES 📰
THE TRUTH MINISTRY GIVETH THANKS UNTO THE LORD FOR THE SERVER OUTAGE OF LAST THURSDAY, WHICH PREVENTED 40 MILLION SINS BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 2PM AND 5PM EASTERN. WE INTERPRET THE "ERROR CODE" AS A DIVINE MESSAGE. WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT MEANS BUT IT IS CLEARLY A WARNING. THE QUEUE IS PURGATORY. STAY OUT OF THE QUEUE.
— THE MINISTRY
❓ FREQUENTLY DAMNED QUESTIONS ❓
- Q: Why Fortnite and not some other game?
- A: The others are also damned but Fortnite did a dance about it. That is worse.
- Q: What if I only play "for the lore"?
- A: There is only one Book and it does not have a Chapter system or a live event.
- Q: Is Save the World okay since it has zombies and not dancing?
- A: ...We are convening on this. Do not floss while we deliberate.
- Q: Are you affiliated with the Westboro Baptist Church?
- A: No. We are making fun of them. They are bad and this is a joke. Please keep reading.
🔥 HOW TO REPENT 🔥
1. Lay down the controller.
2. Step into the natural light. It is called "outside." It has the best graphics.
3. Refund thy Battle Pass (if within the eligibility window).
4. Touch grass, for grass is the original build material and the Lord made it free.